09 April, 2007

Most Accidents Occur In The Home

It’s true, you know. Find out more here; and here. And this afternoon, I became just another statistic.

My sadly-neglected using-the-drought-as-a-cop-out garden needed some attention, so I hacked away at some foliage and had done a pretty good job with the secateurs until I added the middle finger of my left hand to the off cuts. Only the tip, mind you, but there was a fair bit of Type-O flowing out of the incision.

Larry & Curly were nearby and they ran in to alert TLOML that I’d done something stupid. She came out with the First Aid kit and calmly dressed the wound while I calmly submitted to her tender care.

Dismissing her protests, I drove myself to the local GP, reasoning that as he seems to enjoy the odd bit of slice and sew, he’d see me straight away. But the hard-working medico was enjoying a well-deserved break on this Easter Monday. As was the local 7-11 clinic.

I’d heard that you can get prompt attention at John Fawkner Private Hospital Emergency Dept in Coburg on your Private Health Insurance so I headed up there. I was just explaining what had happened to the nurse at reception when she asked me to read the sign on the window.

Minimum charge is $250 and this is NOT covered by any Private Health Insurance.

The NOT was in big red letters. “Okay, I’ll head down to Royal Melbourne”, I told them, also in big red letters.

At RMH, I waited for what must have been a record short time. About 45 minutes. Then the nice doctor, who was a Scot, told me all I’d need would be a dressing and a tetanus shot.

“Are you sure it will be okay?”

“Oh aye, that top flap will joost dai orf and then new skin will grow oop ter tairk its plairce. Yerr’ll be fain.”

I looked a little skeptical.

“Unless yer one o’ these Munchausen bastards, o’ course, ‘cos then we’ll have ter bring in the psychies.” he said reaching for the phone.

“No, no don’t be silly, I know how to take fair and impartial medical advice.”

Finger dressed, shot in arm administered, I was oan muh wair.

“Eh, yerr’ll noat bi Jimmy Pairgin’ oop any fretboards fer a wee whail, but if ye nid to be givin’ anywoon the finger, the dressin' should provaide ardded emphasis fer ye,” Doc Trainspotting said as I was leaving.

When I arrived home, hale and hearty, TLOML greeted me like I was returning from a lengthy hospitalization. So why was I disappointed that she didn’t tell me I was her brave little soldier? Freud could probably tell you.

3 comments:

GoAwayPlease said...

We gardeners have ALL done that 'Secateurs to the Left Hand' thing at one time.
Guard the wound against germs and treat the PAIN is all you can do and you don't need a quack to pour you the whiskey.

I had an easter Monday Doctors Are Closed moment myself: I drove a doctor to the doctors. no kidding.
Pumping gas and a woman asked directions to the clinic miles away so i drove her. It was an amazing story of lost luggage containing crucial medication. She was en route Eastwood NSW to london for a conference (it is true) and taxiied from Tulla to Melton where the only Victorians she knew might help her (but they went away for easter, and they were doctors too).
The funny thing (to me) was that after she saw the quack she told me he didn't charge her at all for the prescription - they give each other freebies - what a scream.
The very people who can afford to pay, don't have to.

GoAwayPlease said...

"Then the nice doctor, who was a Scot" ... Scotland has always produced great medical men.

I have dragged you into a meme I got dragged into. sorry.
It's a You Program RAGE with your fave videoclips.
I can't be arsed doing the proper linkback stuff. Just mind your injury while at the keyboard.

Lad Litter said...

Thanks GAP. Freebies for doctors is a little like police letting each other off speeding fines. Yep, the Scots know their stuff. I was actually reassured that the attending physician was a Scot. I'll see if I can tackle the meme tonight.